


Star Wars Without the Kissing

by atamascolily



Category: Calvin & Hobbes, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Gen, Growing Up, Imagination, Male-Female Friendship, Star Wars References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 10:46:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14913929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atamascolily/pseuds/atamascolily
Summary: "Calvin is eleven years old in 1997, the summer theStar Wars Trilogy: Special Editionhits the local multiplex, and he is instantly smitten. For someone who's been devouringSpaceman Spiffserials since he was five, it was inevitable; and from all the homages, from the ray guns to the aerial dogfights, it's obvious that George Lucas is a Spiff fan, too."Or, Calvin becomes obsessed withStar Wars. Fortunately, Hobbes and Susie want to play along. As long as there's no kissing, everything's good.





	Star Wars Without the Kissing

Calvin is eleven years old in 1997, the summer the _Star Wars Trilogy: Special Edition_ hits the local multiplex, and he is instantly smitten. For someone who's been devouring _Spaceman Spiff_ serials since he was five, it was inevitable; and from all the homages, from the ray guns to the aerial dogfights, it's obvious that George Lucas is a Spiff fan, too. 

Calvin makes his parents go with him over and over again to see it, until they rebel and refuse to sit through another showing with him. His father mutters something under his breath about the blatant commercialism of it all; his mother responds that a handful of movie tickets are a lot cheaper than hiring Rosalyn for an afternoon of peace and quiet around the house. Rosalyn is in graduate school now, and the crippling stress and workload has made her even less patient with Calvin's shenanigans these days, which is saying something. They should all be grateful that watching _Star Wars_ in endless loops is keeping Calvin too busy to find much trouble these days.

So Calvin goes alone, or at least he only buys one ticket - Hobbes comes with him, but "tigers get in gratis," as the bored staffer in the box office informs him, and Hobbes gets all smug about feline privilege, until Calvin threatens to deck him. Hobbes gets his own seat and bucket of popcorn (fewer fights that way), but no one in the theater seems to mind or notice. Everyone here is too focused on the adventures of Luke, Leia and the gang to pay much attention to the kid in the front row with the tiger, (except when he gets carried away and starts shouting advice and commentary to compliment the on-screen action and then things can get rough). 

At eleven, Calvin gets a lot of crap from people who find it weird that he carries a stuffed tiger around, so the lack of attention comes as a relief. Hobbes is philosophical about it all - "They gave up their best friends, so they think everyone should" - which makes Calvin all the more determined not to let Hobbes go. 

"What would you do without me?" he asks Hobbes once, when the subject comes up. 

Hobbes yawns and shrugs. "Sleep. Eat. Stalk critters lacking in the brains department. Pretty much the same stuff I do now, honestly." 

" _Hey,_ " Calvin says. "Watch your mouth, bozo. Admit it, you'd miss me." 

"Things would be different," Hobbes agrees readily -- too readily - and Calvin has to accept that that's the best he's going to get from a tiger who doesn't like to be pinned down, and has the teeth and claws to back it up. Nobody - not even Calvin - can force Hobbes to do something he doesn't want to do. 

Not for the first time, Calvin envies Hobbes that freedom. 

But in the theater, it's different. He is free, no one's yelling at him or asking him to do things he finds stupid and pointless, like algebra or spelling tests. 

Fortunately, Hobbes loves _Star Wars_ too, although for vastly different reasons. The space battles bore him to tears, but he sympathizes endlessly with Chewbacca - "the only one with any sense," as he puts it. Chewbacca - who plays a mean game of space checkers and threatens to rip the arms off of people who cross him - has an awful lot in common with Hobbes. No wonder Hobbes likes him so much. 

Calvin's idol is Han Solo. He's a tough-talking space pilot, with the fastest ship and the galaxy and a loyal friend by his side. Han Solo grew up, but he never gave up on his best friend. It's Han Solo who returns to save the day at the end of _Star Wars_ , allowing Luke to blow up the Death Star at the last possible second. Han Solo rescues the princess for money, not sentiment; he's far too tough for romance. 

So Calvin feels personally betrayed when Han and Leia start kissing in _Empire Strikes Back_. He rants about it to Hobbes for hours afterward, and pouts at a certain point in the asteroid sequence on every subsequent re-watch. He identifies much more with Luke, who spends most of the movie running around a swamp with Yoda in tow, just like he and Hobbes do in the woods behind their house. Han is great, but he's only human - Luke can use the Force to lift rocks with his _mind_ and fights with a laser sword, which is also pretty cool. Plus, Luke is Leia's brother, which means that there isn't any kissing. 

The only possible solution is to combine the characters. So when Calvin and Hobbes play their own version of _Star Wars_ , there's only one protagonist, Han Skywalker, and the princess is only a macguffin in a larger, more complicated plot involving Vader and the Empire. Sometimes there are big Force battles and sometimes there are just a lot of blasters firing, all at once; sometimes Han Skywalker joins the Empire or the Rebellion, but mostly he's just in it for himself, having adventures and exploring the galaxy with Chewbacca. "That's how it _should_ have been," Calvin insists, and Hobbes rolls his eyes and goes along with it. 

There are boatloads of _Star Wars_ merchandise for sale, from band-aids to perfect replica blasters. Sadly, Calvin's parents are philistines and refuse to buy him any of it, so he's forced to make do. Fortunately, Calvin's good at that. 

"Whatcha doin'?" Susie asks, when she encounters him playing with Hobbes in the front yard one afternoon. 

" _Star Wars_ ," Calvin says shortly, as if it's obvious. He's swinging a baseball bat while making buzzing noises - what else could it possibly be? 

"Oooh! I want to be Princess Leia!" Susie says excitedly. 

Calvin hesitates, but Hobbes makes a deep bow. "Of course, Your Highness." 

Hobbes has always had a soft spot for Susie that Calvin's never been able to figure out. Doesn't he know how annoying girls are? Calvin glares at him. "Traitor," he mutters under his breath. 

Hobbes smiles beatifically and ignores him. 

Eventually, Calvin caves to the inevitable. "Well, okay," he says at last. "But no kissing." A man has to have _standards_ , after all. 

"Fine," Susie agrees. "I wouldn't want to kiss _you_ anyway." 

"You can kiss me any time, Susie," says Hobbes, though fortunately for Calvin, she doesn't seem to hear him. 

They glare at each other until Hobbes checks his watch and suggests they'd better be getting on with things, and the game commences in earnest. 

Playing with girls is difficult. Susie wants to follow the plot and take charge; the part where Leia stuffs Han into the trash compacter is her favorite part. "'This is _some rescue_!'" she shouts with glee. "'Into the garbage chute, flyboy! Pew pew, pew pew!'" 

She also wants to shoot TIE fighters out of the sky along with Calvin, while Hobbes flies the ship, which is fine. But she chickens out at shooting the Death Star, which involves throwing rocks at a bald-faced hornet's nest in the oak tree in the clearing between their houses. 

"It's not much bigger than two meters," Calvin says. He's not exactly sure how long a meter is; he never paid attention in math, but he's not sure it matters, it just has to sound good. "'I used to shoot womp rats with my T-16 Skyhopper back home, they're not much bigger than two meters.' And they're not rocks, they're proton torpedoes, whooosh!" 

He lobs a rock at the Death Star to demonstrate. It misses by a long shot. "See? Got to go in closer," he says. "Okay, I'm Red Leader, I'm heading in, do you copy?" He starts running towards the hornet's nest without waiting for an answer from Susie. 

"I copy, Red Leader," Hobbes says cheerfully, albeit from a safe distance. 

This time, Calvin waits until he's almost directly underneath the nest before launching the rock, and it works much better. The rock takes a chunk out of one side of the nest - not unlike the half-completed Death Star in _Return of the Jedi_ \- and swings wildly from side to side, dislodging angry hornets everywhere, buzzing angrily like TIE fighters and heading straight for him. 

"Will our hero get clear in time?" Calvin pants as he races back towards Hobbes and Susie, who are staring at the scene in horror. "T-minus five to impact! Five, four, three--" A hornet stings him on the arm. "Oh, no, I'm hit, I'm HIIIIIITTTT!" Calvin cries out as he staggers, but keeps going. 

"Nice job, you idiot!" Susie screams, totally in character. Calvin pauses only to pick up Hobbes and they run, fleeing the scene, until the hornets are far behind them. 

"That was such an idiotic thing to do," Susie pants. "I can't believe you--"

"But the Death Star is no more! Our foes are vanquished! Now freedom and justice have been restored to the galaxy! Han Skywalker saves the day! Now give me and Hobbes a medal!" Calvin says, gingerly poking at his arm to see if that helps with the pain. 

Susie rolls her eyes, but the medal ceremony is one of her favorite parts, too, so she goes along with it. 

At the end of the day, Calvin and Hobbes accumulate four or five medals before Susie's mother calls her back home for dinner. 

"See, that wasn't so bad," Hobbes says after she's gone. "Playing with girls can be fun." 

"I suppose so," Calvin says grudgingly, though he has to admit Hobbes has a point. Susie might have her quirks, but she never makes fun of Hobbes the way the boys at school do, and actually seems to like him. "If only she weren't such a goody-two-shoes most of the time." 

Hobbes rolls his eyes. "That's why she makes such a good Princess. Leia is nothing but a goody-two-shoes, especially at the beginning." 

"Yeah, but she gets over it. By the time they get to Endor she's piloting speeder bikes and shooting stormtroopers -- none of this sissy stuff--" 

"She kisses Han, though," Hobbes says with a toothy grin. 

"Arrrrghhhh, don't remind me!" 

Nevertheless, something eases between Calvin and Susie, enough so that by the time Halloween rolls around, when Susie announces she's going as Princess Leia, Calvin doesn't even blink. 

"All right, Bunhead. I'm going as Han Skywalker and Hobbes is going to be Chewbacca." 

Susie rolls her eyes. "Of course. But no kissing. Right?" 

"Right."


End file.
